All the Feels

My first Tubal blog post originally started as a two-part post - a why and a what. My thought was to explain my feelings behind my decision to get a tubal ligation and then what the process ended up feeling like.

Then therapy happened. I realized that so many of the feelings that I shared in my “Why",” were still oriented around explaining and justifying as opposed to being emotionally vulnerable and sharing my ACTUAL feelings. So here we are.

My therapist asked me today if all parts of self were aligned in this decision, and I realized that there is still a small part of me that is kicking and screaming and shouting NO at me. And that this part is rooted in fear and insecurity, which is why I had been ignoring her. To listen to her and give her space instead of focusing on how sure I am (which is very, very sure) I felt like I was admitting that everyone was right and I was making the wrong choice for myself. So I decided that I needed to give her some space to share.

I am afraid that by making this decision, I am isolating myself from womanhood which is the community and identity that I feel most defined by on any given day. As society has become simultaneously increasingly more aware of the ways in which womanhood has no universal truth, it has also continued to isolate, shame, and regulate women. By identifying as an intersectional feminist and openly loving and celebrating womanhood, it feels like a giant “Fuck You” to an establishment and society that wants to keep me small.

So to opt out of what society has told me is “the universal experience” of womanhood, I am afraid to be seen as somehow less of a woman by other women. I’m afraid to be cast out from this circle that I hold so integral to my existence. This fear of being exiled is a deeply ingrained fear rooted in the child wounding that resulted from growing up with ADHD in a world that treats girls with ADHD very, very different from boys. I have always been too much. Too loud, too large, too enthusiastic. I’ve been different my entire life, and thus rarely felt a sense of true belonging. So the fear of being pushed out of a community terrifies me.

But I know that there is no one way to be a woman, and there is no universal experience of womanhood. And I know that to be my truest self is never too much.

Society has also worked to instill in me a distrust of myself; This starts when we are young in order to make us more reliant on the structures that exist currently to define us and mold us into what is expected of us by a heteronormative, White, Christian patriarchy. If I trust myself, then I am no longer susceptible to the brainwashing that is attempted on me daily. I have worked so very hard to overcome this - but I doubt myself. Often. One of those doubts today is that in some ways I feel like I am making a decision for a future self that I don’t know yet. One that I am excited to get to know, and one that I feel confident will have the same values that I have today. But ultimately still an unknown person that has limited say in this decision.

But I know that when I trust myself, the universe provides the reassurance I need that trusting my own intuition will always lead me where I need to go.

I am afraid that I am letting down people that I love. My parents, my sister, my husband. People for whom kids are something that they hoped I would have someday. People who may not understand this decision, no matter how many times I explain or how much they love me.

But I know that the people who truly love and support me want me to make the decisions that serve me best.

So tonight I offer myself validation, love, and reassurance. I give myself permission to be afraid, because courage is not the absence of fear. And tomorrow, I will take another step towards my own becoming.