How I Kept BV from Ruining my Sex Life
I’ve had BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) for nearly two years. Over the last 20 months, I’ve learned a LOT about the vaginal microbiome, common sources of vulvar irritants, life hacks to keep myself comfortable (including the best pants to wear to work when you have an ice pack in your underwear.), and, the topic of this post, how to maintain my sex life even though my coochie was on fire 70% of the time.
Most of these tips are for partnered sex; however, you can apply any of these practices to solo sex as well! For more info on solo sex and how to build a self-pleasure practice, you can find a link to download my FREE guide here.
First, a quick vulvovaginal health lesson:
What is BV?
Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal health condition caused by an imbalance of bacteria in the vagina. When disruptive (bad) bacteria overpowers supportive (good) bacteria, you get BV. Symptoms of BV include thin, watery discharge, a fishy odor, itching or burning of the vagina and/or vulva, discomfort during sex, burning while peeing, and just general discomfort. Folks with BV may have some, all, or none of these symptoms.
What causes BV?
Because medical research on the vagina (and women’s health in general) is limited, we don’t REALLY know what causes BV besides the general imbalance of bacteria in the vagina. What we do know is that contributing factors can include anything that changes your vaginal pH, such as semen, lube, soaps, fragrances, douching, etc. We also know that bacteria is introduced to the vagina in a myriad of ways: toys, fingers, penises, mouths, tampons, menstrual cups, etc. That’s why we (sex educators) stress the importance of cleaning your toys, using protection, and washing your hands before you stick your fingers in your vagina.
Let’s Talk About (Non-Penetrative) Sex
As I’m sure you can imagine, when your vulva feels like it’s on fire, the last thing you want is anybody touching it. However, one thing that I found over time was that a slow build-up to any kind of vulvar or vaginal stimulation often helped me feel more comfortable and in the mood for play. I also turned to a lot more external stimulation and other erogenous zones.
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I talk about “queering” sex often. The idea of “queering” sex refers to looking at sex through a different lens that questions the status quo or “norm.” The sex that we see most often in the media is usually centered around two able-bodied, cisgender, straight people. While there may be some foreplay or build-up, the primary focus is on penetration. So “queering” sex is inherently about questioning what sex can look like if we de-center penetration, if we represent a more diverse understanding of what sexual intimacy can look like, and if we approach our sex with curiosity.
The tl;dr (too long; didn’t read) of this whole article? I saved my sex life by queering my sex life.
What does that mean for you? That a little creativity goes a LONG way.
So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite tips for having hot sex with BV:
Try Unexpected Erogenous Zones
Most of us are familiar with the usual “hot spots:” the clitoris, the vaginal opening and canal, the g-spot, and the nipples. But there are plenty of other, less expected options available to you.
As with any other kind of touch, get consent from your partner before touching any of these areas.
The Expected:
Areola and Nipples: Start with a light touch with your fingertips, lips, tongue, or a small vibrator. Trace around the areola before moving onto the nipple and sucking, licking, and even flicking. Blow or use an ice cube for some temperature play, and if your partner likes it rough, you can graze the nipple with your teeth.
Neck: Run your fingernails along the back of their neck, softly kiss the sides and front of the neck, or graze their collarbone with your lips.
Inner Thighs: Run your fingertips down the front of the thighs, slowly moving your way inward while you kiss their lips, neck, and chest.
Perineum: This is the area between the vaginal opening and the anus; It can be a source of immense pleasure and stimulation. Try lightly stroking it, using a vibrator on it, or gently pressing your thumb into it.
The Not-So Expected:
Scalp: Run your fingernails lightly over the scalp or try gently tugging on their hair.
Ears: Try lightly kissing, licking, or nibbling your partner’s earlobes. You can also try whispering, but avoid sticking your tongue in someone’s ear.
Belly: Use your tongue, fingertips, or even a feather to trace circles around the belly button and tease your way down and all around the stomach.
Sacrum (Small of the Back): Lightly touch the area with your fingers, lips, or tongue. For some sensory play, try an ice cube, a vibrator, or a pinwheel.
Inner Arms and Armpits: Run your fingertips, tongue, or a feather slowly along the inner arm to the armpit.
Inner Wrist: Want to set the mood? Try caressing with your fingertips while looking at your partner suggestively from across the table (or anywhere else, for that matter). If you’re already in the heat of the moment, try lightly kissing or licking.
Palms and Fingertips: Lightly tickle or swirl your index finger on their palm, or take each of their fingers into your mouth, one by one, and suck on them lightly.
Behind the Knee: Lightly touch the area with your fingertips, or use your mouth and tongue there before working your way down the leg.
Bottom of Feet and Toes: Try lightly grazing the arch of their foot at dinner and see what happens, or start playtime with a foot massage, starting with light pressure and working your way towards deeper pressure until you find the sweet spot. If you’re both into it, try gently sucking each toe, one by one.
How to Incorporate Vulvar Stimulation and Avoid Discomfort
As always, communication is key here. Symptoms may vary from day to day and minute to minute. After stimulating some fun, erogenous zones that don’t lie between the thighs, check in with your partner to see if they’re feeling up for any clitoral or vulvar stimulation. There may be certain parts of the vulva and vagina that are more uncomfortable than others, so be sure to take note of that and avoid those areas unless you are explicitly asked to touch them.
Start light and slow, and increase in pressure or speed based on your partner’s feedback.
Play with Ice: There were times over the last 20 months when the only time my vulva was comfortable was when there was an ice pack on it. I discovered that ice cubes had a very similar effect in that they numbed the area so I didn’t feel any burning or itching while also being stimulating enough to turn me on. If you choose to use ice directly on the skin, be sure to wet the cube or use lube to prevent it from sticking.
Access the G-spot via the Mons: The mons pubis is the fleshy mound just above the clitoris. This area is rich in nerve endings, and it covers the shaft of the clitoris (which is actually a huge organ that extends far past the “clit” we know and love). Massaging the area in an up-and-down motion indirectly stimulates the labia and clitoris, including the G-Spot.
Grinding/Diffused Sensation: Sometimes, a more flat and/or broad stimulation is more comfortable. I often found that the only “direct” stimulation I could handle was entirely external, meaning on the outside of my vulva. Remember, there is the inner labia and the outer labia - so when I say outside, I mean the VERY outside. Try using a large wand vibrator for this, or try a vibrator specifically for grinding. You can also use your three middle fingers to rub the area of the outer labia that covers the clitoral head.
Keep Your Clothes On: If you’re feeling self-conscious about smell or if you’re concerned about direct stimulation, you can try stimulation through your pants or underwear. A light brush of the fingers through fabric is a real panty dropper (See what I did there?).
If Anal is On the Table
I have an “Anal Play 101” Guide coming out soon that will cover this topic in detail, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention anal as a truly fantastic option, especially if you’re craving penetration. The anus and the vagina are neighbors, which means that stimulating the anus can stimulate the vagina and clitoris, and anal orgasms are often felt through the entire pelvic floor. However, it also means that it’s REALLY easy to slip up and put something meant for the booty into the vagina, which can be unpleasant or even triggering. So go slow, use lube, let the receiving partner lead, and if you’re not ready for penetration, you can try lightly stroking or pressing on the perineum or the anus with your thumb.
When You Really Just Don’t Want to be Touched
I want to be very clear that if this is the case for you, I see you, I feel you, and your needs are valid. Your body, your choice. However, if you feel like playing, here are some fun ways to connect sexually with a partner WITHOUT anybody else touching your vulva:
Parallel Play (Mutual Masturbation): You both engage in solo sex, but together! You can do this across from one another, beside each other while lying in each other’s arms, or while next to each other without touching. Bonus points if you get a mirror involved.
Livin’ on a Prayer: While your partner is lying down or standing (if you want to bring a control dynamic in, go for it! Either of you can be “in charge” in either position.), you kneel in between their legs. You can use this opportunity to simply enjoy creating pleasure for and with your partner, or you can try placing a vibrator on your clitoris and holding it in place with your legs or sitting and grinding on it. This can be done over or under clothing.
Let Me Watch: Your partner plays with themselves while you watch and/or offer support. You can touch some of the erogenous zones mentioned earlier in this post, talk dirty, watch porn, give them a little strip tease, whatever you please! The world is your oyster here. Get playful with it.
Some Guidelines for Penetration
The message about penetrative sex with BV is mixed. In general, if you’re actively treating your BV, it may be best to abstain from penetration until after you’ve finished your course of treatment.
If you’re in the middle of a flare-up, listen to your body, use your best judgment, and remember that there are some key things to consider here - friction and hygiene. While your body is recovering from or fighting off an infection, the last thing we want to do is cause irritation or introduce bacteria. Here are some rules for the road:
Use pH-balanced Lube: Many commercial lubes are not appropriately balanced for the vagina and can throw your pH out of whack. Highly concentrated lubes can also cause the protective epithelial barriers of your vagina/vulva to slough off, leading to more irritation down the road. You will find a shopping guide at the end of this post with the lubes I recommend for vaginal penetration.
Use the Right Toys: Glass and metal toys can be temperature-controlled (freeze that baby and feel the relief), are easy to clean, and limit friction when used with lube. Silicone toys are a great option, too; however, you may want to use a condom since they require a bit more attention to clean than glass and metal.
Use Protection: The single best way to prevent the introduction of disruptive bacteria to the vagina (besides abstaining from penetration completely) is to use a sterile barrier method. For fingering, use gloves. For toys and penises, use condoms. For receiving oral, use a dental dam OR try my favorite alternative, Lorals. They’re thin, latex panties that are used for protection against STIs.
Use Caution: Go slow and listen to your body. Try not to push through discomfort; that’s your body’s way of telling you “no.” That doesn’t have to mean stopping completely, but it may mean that more indirect stimulation is needed to continue.
Having a vulva and/or vagina that is uncomfortable can be a huge source of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, frustration - really a whole plethora of emotions. It’s okay if you don’t want any sex right now, AND sometimes it might be exactly what we need when we don’t even know it. So listen to your body and honor what it’s telling you. If you don’t know HOW to listen to your body or if you need more support, email me at cadysmoore@gmail.com or message me “BV” on Instagram @ageofsexploration, and we can set up a free coaching call. I promise there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.
Product Guide:
*Disclosure: I only recommend products I would use myself, and all opinions expressed here are my own. This post may contain affiliate links, and I may earn a small commission when you click on the links (at no additional cost to you).
For a 30% discount at Bellesa, use the code “BBA4SSZ1” (exp 8/12/24)
Hygiene
Durex Real Feel (Non-Latex, My Favorite)
Lorals Latex Undies (10% discount code “ageofsexploration”)
Toys
Lube
*I’d like to shout out Phallophile Reviews for their amazing work testing commercial lubes and for teaching me everything I know about osmolality.
Buying lubes or toys on Amazon can be risky. If you choose to do so, be sure to buy ONLY from the manufacturer’s Amazon store. Every product linked here is either to the manufacturer’s Amazon store or to a reputable sex shop. Every product is balanced to match vaginal pH (3.8-5.) and at an osmolality of <450, which is considered safest.
Bionude by Good Clean Love pH 4.4/Osmolality 270 (My Personal Fave for Water-Based)
Sliquid Organics Natural 4.4/94
Hybrid by Good Clean Love 4.2/367 (if you are super sensitive to glycerin, opt for Sliquid Silk)
Sliquid Silk Hybrid 4.4/686
Uberlube (My Personal Fave for Silicone-based)
